Tuesday, April 15, 2014

New York, I love you?

Oh New York. The city that never sleeps, the city for dreamers. You wanna do theatre as a career you need to be in NEW YORK! Wanna be a dancer? NEW YORK!
I recently moved to New York to choreograph a show, and while I love this city and it is a dream come true to live here...it's also a lot more difficult and overwhelming than you could imagine. It's funny because people who've lived the New York life tell you this and no matter how much you listen and take it to heart, it still does not prepare you for what you'll experience.
After having a heck of a time trying to find a place I could afford out here, while making pennies on this production I'm doing, I finally found a place in West Harlem. Not the scary part, but it's definitely no San Diego or Temecula. I tend to pride myself in being a pretty tough girl and able to handle myself, but there are parts of town I purposefully avoid (especially late at night).
After hauling my two ridiculously heavy bags through the subways and streets os West Harlem, I finally made it to my building and then had to proceed carrying those 2 bags up 4 flights of stairs. It's not easy folks.
After about 2-3 days in the city you start to feel it. The loneliness. The ache in your heart for your friends, students and family back home. DO NOT sit at home alone all day during this time (mistake number 1). Even if it's just going out and walking central park, or around stores, you need to get out of the apartment. It was around this time of loneliness that I also found out the apartment I thought I was to have for 3 months, I now had to move out of in about 20 days. Awesome. Needless to say, I was stressed and not thrilled about living in NY anymore.
But thank God for supportive friends and family. Let me just say that there is no way I would have gotten through without them and their prayers and encouraging words. I've been here for about a week and there hasn't been one day where I haven't gotten a text or call just to see how I was doing. I can't tell you enough how much that helps; I am forever grateful to these incredible people.
Now I've only been here for a week so far, maybe it will get easier, maybe it won't. What I do know is that I'm getting stronger. In every way imaginable, I'm growing and pushing myself. I've moved away from home a lot and this is by far the hardest of them yet. I'm not totally sure why (I've been to NY many times, with friends and by myself. Stayed here for over a month one time), but for some reason it is so much harder this time. I don't know what God has in store for me while I'm out here, but I know it is going to be a personal journey or growth and understanding.

Thursday, March 21, 2013

Lady In Waiting

Lately I've been going through this book and devotional called Lady in Waiting, it goes through the story of Ruth and her journey from being a widow to marrying the man of her dreams that God set aside for her. I bought it 2 years ago and hated it, so I put it away. Now that I've picked it back up, I realize that when I bought it wasn't ready to receive the message of the book. I thank God for making me keep it and for putting it on my heart to try it out again.  It has really made me rethink and establish boundaries and forces on my motives behind things when it comes to guys.
A little background about my love life...I've had one boyfriend, when I was 18. It lasted 2 months. I ended it because 1, I was a little terrified to be in a relationship and 2, I think I subconsciously knew that he wasn't the guy for me. Not that he wasn't a good guy, he was great; just not who God has for me. So aside from my 1, very short relationship, I haven't had any "official boyfriends". I've been kissed a few times, I can count them on 1 hand (if you don't include my stage kisses). Besides that, zip. Most girls wonder what the heck I'm doing, and for awhile I would say that no guys have liked me or at least told me they did. While that may be partly true, I know now that it was all my doing. Ever since I was about 14, I was told that God had a different path for me in terms of guys. All my friends were in and out of relationships, while I stood on the side and watched. At first it was just that way not by my choice (at least that's what I thought), but as I look back now I see that I never wanted relationships like my friends had. Yes, I longed for a guy to hold my hand and tell me he liked me, but not in the way my friends were experiencing it.  As I got older, I still had those same longing for a special guy friend, but I chose to make my standards high and not budge. I'm sure people thought I was crazy, I'm sure they still do haha. But I am so thankful for the strength God has provided me to stick with my decision. I have no regrets.
Now back to Lady in Waiting. As I'm working my through this book, God is just solidifying even more that I made the right choice years ago. And on top of that, He's challenging me to take it even further, creating more boundaries and really cherishing my singleness.
I am terrible at flirting; anyone who knows me well will tell you this. But that doesn't mean I don't try and I have certainly fallen into the category of "girls who play games". I know how to manipulate certain situations, all girls do and we ALL do it. That's one thing I've really taken a look at because of this book. Every time I go to text a guy friend, go hang out with a guy 1 on 1, or anything involving a guy, I try to check my motives. Every time. Even if it's a guy I'm not interested in as more than a friend, that doesn't mean he may not be interested. As a sister in Christ, it is my job to protect my brothers and not lead them on. Intentionally or unintentionally. So I check my motives.  I can't tell you how much this has changed my decisions to text or hang out with guys. Of course I still stumble and struggle with this, but I've definitely been working on it and getting better with God's help.
I've also been learning to really cherish and value this time I have as a single woman. There are so many girls out there who would do anything to be in a relationship or get married. There are times I've felt pretty desperate, like I need to take matters into my own hands cause I'm running out of time. Running out of time?! Now, that sounds so ridiculous to me. I'm 24 years old, I have so much time! The God I know is not bound by time and age and circumstances; so why am I treating Him like He is!? This time in my life is for me and God; to grow in love, maturity, humility, patience, and so much more. I am certainly not ready to give that up to a man and a family. There is so much I want to do and places I want to see before I even think about settling down. And lets not forget the standards I have set...if I want a man as amazing as Boaz, I better be making sure that I am a woman who deserves that man. I need to use my single life to prepare for that, to let God mold me and chip away at things that don't belong in my life. Some woman may feel like they are ready to get married but their prince charming has not come along yet; this may be true ladies, but also remember that God is having to mold and make your man right for you as well. So if Boaz hasn't come along yet and you feel like you're ready, be patient, God may still be preparing him for you.

I'm not really sure my point in writing this...I guess to encourage my sisters in Christ (and myself) to wait patiently, have faith, and fall more and more in love with God in the meantime. This is a journey, not a quick fix and you're ready. It takes time, but I guarantee the process and the waiting will be worth it. It's already been more than worth it for me and God isn't finished yet. I can't wait to see what else He has planned!

Sunday, October 28, 2012

Healing.

I don't think people realize how big of a task that can actually be and I'm not really talking about physically. It is much harder and takes a lot longer to heal emotionally. The only way to be truly and deeply healed is to let God come in, open up those wounds and really clean them out. That is something I've only just recently begun to let happen, and to be honest, I didn't even realize I had never let Him do so. It's not easy; it hurts very badly, almost to the point where you'd rather it not happen at all. You'd rather suppress those feelings, push them from your thoughts, bury them deep down and hope and pray that they never return. But guess what, that never works. Those things will be brought back up in one way or another and that's God's doing, that's Him saying that you need to revisit that wound and let Him in. Go there with Him. Let those feelings of hurt and betrayal and anger resurface again, that's the only way to truly free yourself. He knows it hurts, He knows exactly how you're feeling, what you went through, the assault you endured and He's ready to take that pain from you. He's been ready since before the wound even occurred, He was only waiting for you to let Him in. It will not be an easy or short process, I can promise you that, but it will be worth it. Every tear will be worth it.
My advice to you is to not brush it off when you are reminded of the situation, or the wound that occurred from it. God will bring it up in many ways; for me it's been memories, seeing a certain person, old journal entries and now even old blog posts. Don't brush it under the rug as something unimportant or something you'd rather not remember. Don't make excuses like not having time at the moment, convincing yourself you're really over it and healed when you're not, or even justifying the hurt, saying you deserve it. That is not true. You don't deserve the pain inflicted upon you, that was NEVER God's intention and it still isn't now. That is a result of a fallen human race, living in a sinful world. God never wanted you to experience any of this. He loves you more than anyone else you'll ever know, more than you'll ever fully comprehend. So let Him love you and take care of you and heal you. Let Him speak to you in your most vulnerable places, to your deepest wounds and biggest fears. Only then can we begin to truly heal.

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Matthew 11:28-30

I cast all my cares upon You
I lay all of my burdens down at Your feet
And any time I don't know what to do
I just cast all my care upon You.

Sunday, November 1, 2009

reassurance is a blessing

for the past few weeks God has been really reassuring me of my future. i've always known what i wanted to do but i was never confident in myself to obtain that goal; God has really taught me to have faith that He will provide. He has shown me that performing is exactly what i'm supposed to do and He has been giving me more and more confidence with every opportunity He's set before me.

being able to sit in on La Jolla's Bonnie and Clyde rehearsal was the coolest thing ever, i really got to see how this process works in a professional setting. the people i met were so nice and encouraging; i felt like i was in a dream the whole time i was there.

last night i got to have a backstage tour of the civic center after i saw lion king. standing on that stage and looking out into that huge theatre made my dreams that much more real for me.

i know i'm supposed to do this. and i can't wait to give my gifts back to God on a broadway stage one day.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

God is so good, he has blessed me so much recently. He has shown me is beauty in the smallest things, and it is glorious! He has given me a small taste of a small amount of his plans for me and oh man...if that is just a taste, i can't imagine how amazing the rest will be.

going through this injury has been tough, not only physically but spiritually too. the devil is trying to attack me through this, but i refuse to let him get to me. Jesus gave us control over demons, and knowing that has really helped. i just pray that this is nothing too serious. but i am so grateful to the people surrounding me with prayers and love, i don't know what i would do without all of them.